7:30 a.m. Sunday. Alarm. Groan. Reset for 8:00 a.m.
8:00 a.m. alarm. My husband stirs. I say, "I don't want to go. I don't want to fight the kids. I didn't sleep well. I don't feel good. All excuses." He doesn't respond. I know he doesn't know what to say.
8:05 a.m. I get up, once again, and start the long process of getting my family ready for church. All the while battling within: I don't want to go. Why do I go? I should go. I have made covenants. My children should go. The church is good for families. I don't even know if I believe it all. I'm going, but I don't want to go.
I iron a shirt for my son, hoping he will get up and come with us. Well, even if he doesn't come today it will be ready for him when he decides to come. It's how I show love, to do this for him.
I decide to iron a few work shirts for my husband while I'm at it. The living room is quiet. My hands and arms need no guidance. My mind is free to ponder. I believe in God. I don't know if I believe in the Mormon God. I want to, but I just don't know. Heavenly Father, please let me hear something in Sacrament Meeting today to help me know why I should go; if I'm supposed to go.
My son stays home. We have three girls with us. I notice that the speakers are from the Sunday School presidency. Oh, great. More talks on the new curriculum. I attend to my smallest daughter's needs. After 15 minutes we have already tapped all the books, crayons, toys and fruit snacks we brought for her entertainment. I prepare myself to have to leave early and hear nothing I need.
The first speaker's topic is sharing the gospel in the workplace. Nice, but doesn't apply to me. Plus, I've never really had an inclination to be a missionary. Nice talk, not particularly inspiring, but fine. I continue to work at keeping my daughter quiet and staying in the pew.
The second speaker begins. "You all look so nice. We've all prepared ourselves differently on a Sunday morning to come here. We are in our Sunday best, we are prepared. Do you ever wonder why we do it? Why do we sacrifice? Why do we come here each week when we could do something else?"
Wow. That's exactly what I asked myself this morning.
He reminds us that our stake president has often said that we come because we know that Jesus is the Christ. He quotes Elder Holland's 1998 conference talk, in which he reminds us that people come to church to be inspired, get answers to their questions, and to be nourished by the good word of God. He quotes Elder Holland's October 2012 conference talk, the very same talk my father sent to me last week because he knows I have doubts and questions. The talk which caused me to weep, as Elder Holland recounts the conversation between Peter and the resurrected Christ: "Peter, do you love me?"
I don't know how I would answer. I want to learn to love Jesus Christ.
And so my prayer was answered. The very morning I asked, I received. Coincidence? Possible. Answer to prayer? Undeniable. And because this is my response, I know I believe. I don't know if I believe everything, but I want to.
"...even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." Alma 32:27
Today the seed was good. It began to grow and enlarged my soul. I know I believe in God. I've had too many experiences similar to today's to think that they are coincidental. I believe that He hears my prayers and answers them. I believe that He knows me and loves me.
Thank you for reminding me why I believe.
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